I don’t even know what to write. All I know is that I can’t stop smiling. Just simply talking to him brightens my whole surroundings. He’s my sunshine on my hottest summer days, and my full moon on the chilliest nights.
Not too long ago I read a tumblr post entitled, “Why Do Men Keep Putting Me in the Girlfriend-Zone?” To summarize the author’s supposedly satirical article, she complains about how her male friends, after a certain amount of time in their friendship, end up professing feelings for her. Oh God! How could this possibly be?! Why on Earth would a guy – after getting to know a woman really well through friendship – end up liking her? This is, of course, opposed to going through the more traditional and fraudulent industry of dating where people spend months omitting crucial personal details (I’m moving to another country in three months), hiding idiosyncrasies (I’m addicted to really weird porn) and outright lying (I was born a man), all in the hopes of causing someone to feel so invested in the relationship that they’ll overlook all this and decide to carrying…
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I need to brainwash myself. To let go of every bad thought, all of the negative activity. I need to learn how to embrace everything positive around me.
Everything I said before, scratch that. I was wrong. I confused reality with imagination.
Tonight I finally revealed a part of me that I thought I had locked away.
Now, all I can do is wait until enough trust is gained back into our friendship so he can open up to me as well. I’ll wait. However tonight… one text, one sentence opened up my eyes. It had me rereading every text sent and received today. Something was different. The tones of each text were different. Maybe I didn’t look close enough before. Maybe I’m not the only one that cares about this friendship. It wasn’t meant to be broken. To fall apart. It was meant to have a meaning of it’s own. A reflection of two people and their own inner struggles to figure out what it means.
What I learned tonight is if you don’t want to be read why put so much work into hiding how you feel about a situation? Simple, unneeded words. The words I looked past before. Maybe they meant something more than what they were intended to mean.
Maybe this situation means more than what it was even intended to be. Who knew something that was once so insignificant could suddenly become so necessary, like air to breathe. He was my oxygen and I was his carbon dioxide. As he pushed away, I pulled closer.
That is until tonight…. my perspective towards him and how he felt were different this time. Unique to everything I thought before. Unknown but to soon be discovered.
What I really don’t understand is why individuals feel the need to know the latest gossip. The “he” said, “she” said. I just don’t see the point. Better yet, why gossip to begin with? Does it make you feel superior? Better than those you knock down? Does it make you feel better knowing that the spotlight is on others mistakes or their flaws instead of yours? What they don’t realize is that what you say, reflects on you not the person that’s being talked about.
Denial. I used to think that I lived a normal childhood but as I continue to gradually grow older, I can’t help but realize how dysfunctional my life was. No kid should be raised believing that it is okay to be abused. Whether it’s mentally, physically or emotionally. You shouldn’t think that it’s okay to continuously give someone chance after chance when all they do is sit back and watch you crumble. Maybe that’s why I made the decisions I did in the past; because I thought it was okay. Maybe that’s why I dated complete douche bags who only toyed with my heart. Maybe, I wanted them to play with my feelings. I mean…. I wanted to play with theirs. I think that’s why I thought it was okay to be in a relationship like the one I was in. I liked the pain that came with it. The fighting. The chase. The feeling of doubt that we’d never make it last. It was a game. A game that I was determined to win. I didn’t want to believe in love, only lust. I’d let them toy with my feelings, play with my head. Only to later make them realize that they need me. Once, I felt like I had complete control I didn’t want them anymore. I grew bored. I won. That’s the thing though. Love shouldn’t be manipulated, it’s too beautiful. Too pure. People like me are the reason why others are so intimidated to fall in love. They’re afraid of the aftermath. The pain everyone feels in the end. It may not even be the pain of the heartbreak itself. But, the pain of loving someone so much that you’ve lost complete control of your own heart. Your own mind. Love can drive you mad. Love is the most powerful emotion any being could feel. Without love, life would be meaningless. And I… I feel as if I can’t even love another person the way they strive to be loved. That’s pathetic.