Confession #1

Denial. I used to think that I lived a normal childhood but as I continue to gradually grow older, I can’t help but realize how dysfunctional my life was. No kid should be raised believing that it is okay to be abused. Whether it’s mentally, physically or emotionally. You shouldn’t think that it’s okay to continuously give someone chance after chance when all they do is sit back and watch you crumble. Maybe that’s why I made the decisions I did in the past; because I thought it was okay. Maybe that’s why I dated complete douche bags who only toyed with my heart. Maybe, I wanted them to play with my feelings. I mean…. I wanted to play with theirs. I think that’s why I thought it was okay to be in a relationship like the one I was in. I liked the pain that came with it. The fighting. The chase. The feeling of doubt that we’d never make it last. It was a game. A game that I was determined to win. I didn’t want to believe in love, only lust. I’d let them toy with my feelings, play with my head. Only to later make them realize that they need me. Once, I felt like I had complete control I didn’t want them anymore. I grew bored. I won. That’s the thing though. Love shouldn’t be manipulated, it’s too beautiful. Too pure. People like me are the reason why others are so intimidated to fall in love. They’re afraid of the aftermath. The pain everyone feels in the end. It may not even be the pain of the heartbreak itself. But, the pain of loving someone so much that you’ve lost complete control of your own heart. Your own mind. Love can drive you mad. Love is the most powerful emotion any being could feel. Without love, life would be meaningless. And I… I feel as if I can’t even love another person the way they strive to be loved. That’s pathetic.